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08/18/2003 Archived Entry: "Crossroads"

So yeah, today sucked for a variety of reasons. First off, I'm trying to get my car's A/C repaired, but the guys who just looked it over a month ago and said everything was fine now say the compressor has a hole in it so all the freon has leaked out. How there's no evidence that such a thing will happen just a month previous is beyond me, but the short version is that it's going to cost about $625 to repair it.

Secondly, before we even get to take the car in, the guy who I back up calls up and says he won't be in and that there's some sort of problem at work and to look into what's going on. Well, the second $10,000 UPS in the server room died early this morning (like, midnight) and of course our DBA is quite mad that two individual units (doing two different jobs) have failed completely within days of each other. Numerous other problems were popping up with the web server and the file server and most of today was spent putting out those fires and making sure nothing else popped up. A fairly unproductive day at work, though I think I figured out that payroll probably stiffed me $200 on our last paycheck.

Apparently though, I succeeded in upsetting one of my friends. I was talking to her while I was trying to get all my finances in order for the next month. Obviously, this car repair has thrown a bit of a curveball into my planned activities and I had to re-evaluate my plans for August/September. The one thing I have going for me though is that I generally don't have to worry about money, due to the fact that I opted to save money rather than immediately move out as soon as I could and buy fancy cars I didn't need, etc. (the standard things that most young people do the instant money comes into their hands). Now, despite the fact that this friend has known me for a few years, I sometimes wonder if she truly understands me in the slightest. I don't think she gets how fundamentally unhappy I am with my life, and how the vast majority of it seems to get worse as time goes on.

She tends to focus on the fact that the majority of her problems are related to money (as she isn't in the ideal monetary situation) and gets mad because I whine about all these other stupid things when I don't have to worry about money (which is one of her primary concerns/complaints). It's like she doesn't get that the *one* thing I have going for me is that I don't owe everyone else money...and that's a situation I've *never* been in previously, and one that my parents certainly will never be in and my brother probably won't be in anytime soon. She doesn't seem to get (or care) that everything else in my life is a source of pain and/or disappointment...that I have nobody in my day-to-day life that I can look at and lean on. That I have more friends that have never met me than I do friends I have seen. That all I deal with at work is stupid people left, right and center and everyday they get dumber and dumber. That the only thing that cares about me that I see with any sort of regularity is probably my little pieces of plastic and metal...and I can't even make those look like I want to...people who just pick up a brush and paint often do better than I do after years and years of practice (chances are, this particular friend is one of those people as well). She thinks I brag about money to make her feel smaller...when really I'm trying to convince myself that my own life isn't an empty shell devoid of any enjoyment. I was really happy about getting rid of all these debts and stuff and still being covered for the future...and I wanted her to share in that happiness, but evidently it came across as bragging and posturing.

I don't know anymore, seems nobody I care about understands me...and that makes it all the more painful. If the people I care about don't get me, what am I doing wrong? I mean...the only constant in all these fuck-ups is me...so that would seem to say that I push people away when I care about them. Or I do something that makes them not want to be around me. I don't know anything anymore...everything just feels like it hurts so much right now. Never thought that I'd have this friend in the same category as another one of similiar size...but life's funny I guess...

To whom it may concern:
I am sorry if I made you feel bad...I was just trying to let you see me happy for once instead of being sad and upset over all the bad things. Guess that got completely fucked up because that's exactly how I feel now...sad and upset. Don't know if that means anything to you anymore...but hopefully it does.

I can barely see the keyboard right now...so that's it for now...

Replies: 1 Unclean Mutant

Well, well, well......Experience IS the BEST teacher. Hell, I've got 46 years worth. Live and learn. Hint: Conversations are NOT planned events. And a wandering convo is the best kind.

Posted by Bearclaw @ 08/18/2003 07:47 PM EST

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